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I'm marking 90 days of sobriety and seeking guidance on helping my eleven-year-old neurodivergent son. Through rehab and AA, I've achieved this milestone, although my drinking intensified during the past two years. Before that, I was alcohol-free for the initial six years of his life.

The Effect of Previous Struggles

Towards the end, my drinking was constant, and my son saw me unstable and miserable. He developed a sense of responsibility, believing he was the only one who could stop me from drinking by taking away bottles. I feel deeply regretful about this. I have often explained to him that I alone can manage my behavior.

He lived with his father for a few months—we separated five years ago, but his father is supportive of my sobriety. He moved back in with me when he started high school in September. Trust between us is slowly growing as he observes that I am not drinking and devoting all my energy into improving.

Present Difficulties and Emotions

My son remains hyper-vigilant and anxious about my safety. This means, he is terribly controlling of my actions—partly due to anxiety about my past habits, but also because he is autistic and anxious about unexpected changes. I'm focusing on confidence and boundaries; it would be easy to yield to his demands, but that isn't appropriate as a parent. It's challenging as I also feel enormously guilty.

I reached out to Children’s Services while in treatment, and we are awaiting help for my son from local substance abuse support. Meanwhile, I feel quite uncertain about how to communicate with him. I don't want to cause him distress, but I also don't want to ignore the previous events. In what way do we move forward?

Professional Advice on Healing

Young ones require a sense of safe, particularly after chaotic times when they were uncertain if their parent could keep them secure. They may be concerned about raising these issues now. Children tend to believe things are their fault—blaming themselves rather than their parents, as the other option feels overwhelming. Being autistic can exacerbate these feelings.

Individuals in active addiction frequently make promises they might not be able to fulfill. This makes it difficult for family members to determine what to trust.

It's common for those in active addiction to offer apologies they cannot maintain. This means, family may struggle to hard to trust them. Along with limits, it's very crucial to be reliable and show your son that situations have improved, instead of just telling him.

Useful Actions for Communication and Support

Focus on him adjusting at his new school and create a solid routine. Next, present the idea that no subject is forbidden—if that is indeed the case. Mealtimes can be a suitable moment to chat, as can parallel activities like strolling or driving, since they involve less direct gazing, which individuals find too intense. Perhaps there's an hobby you and your son enjoy doing together? Avoid thinking "we need to discuss," but look for opportunities for conversation and see if they happen. Additionally, think about your son's favored way of communication—it might not be speaking; it could be through writing, or a mix of both.

It's important for him to know that his refuge apart from home might be with his dad. You should not take it personally if he chooses to go there at times. It doesn't mean you've done poorly—this is a journey that won't be linear.

Distinguishing Your Needs from His

You need to separate your requirements from your son's. Make sure you're not making him feel better to ease your own guilt—to absolve yourself—because you can't do that via your son. You'll concentrate more effectively on what he needs if you receive good support yourself.

You're doing great progress. Keep going.