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Her Story: Understanding A Asexual Identity

A 37-year-old woman: I have not once been fond of sex. As a child, I believed broken because everyone praised it highly.”

The sole topic that her partner and I have ever differed about is our sex life. Upon getting together in our late twenties, physical intimacy was certainly something he sought more frequently than me. Around six months of seeing each other, we opted to try an open arrangement so that he could seek out partners who are more sexual than me.

There were feelings of jealousy initially, but our relationship was strengthened due to open dialogue, and I grew to feel very confident in our bond. It’s been a great benefit for our relationship, since I never craved sex. In my younger years, I thought broken since society at large emphasized its importance, but I never really grasped what was so great about it.

When I stumbled across literature on asexuality online a while back, it was an eye-opener. I felt surprised, because at that time I identified as a sexual person – I enjoy self-pleasure, and I experienced a fair amount of sex in my 20s. But I feel I engaged in a lot of that sex due to the fact that I felt guilty – an effect of my youth in a society that teaches us you have to meet others’ expectations.

What the book taught me was that asexuality is a wide range. For example, I experience no libido, including towards people who I admire visually. I appreciate their beauty, but I do not wish to engage sexually with them. But I appreciate reaching climax. In my view, it’s pleasurable and it provides relief – a way to empty the mental clutter mentally.

This was incredibly liberating to share with my partner that asexuality describes me. He understands. We continue to be physical, since I experience deep connection as well as emotional unity when we do, and I am deliberately opting when I feel the need to connect with him in that way. It isn’t that I have a physical urge, but I have other reasons to be intimate, like desiring emotional intimacy. I notice his satisfaction, and that gives me pleasure. Similarly that a person who is sexual can choose to refrain from sex, I can opt to engage in intimacy for other reasons than feeling arousal.

His Perspective: Love Outside of Sex

Cameron, 36: Simply because sex isn’t the focus does not imply that romance is absent.”

Sex had been extremely significant to me. It’s where I derived plenty of my self-worth. I was sick and hospitalized often in my youth, so sex turned into a practice that I felt offered mastery with my physical self. That started to really change upon getting to know my partner, as sex was no longer the most important thing for us.

In this relationship, I started to recognize greater worth in other parts of who I am, and it shifted focus away from sex. I don’t want to be intimate with other people anymore. Whenever I experience a desire for physical connection, there exist alternative methods to address it. Solo sex is an option, but alternatively a long walk, considering what I’m feeling or watercolour painting.

When Sarah discovered her asexuality, I came to see that intimacy is focused on emotional connection. It can happen through sex, but additionally via different forms that are just as valuable and fulfilling. I had a set understanding of the meaning of asexuality – if you didn’t have sex, you never have sexual feelings. But it’s a spectrum, and it requires patience to understand your place within it.

Our relationship has lasted for nine years, and just because sex isn’t a priority is not a sign that affection isn’t. Setting aside dedicated moments for romance is really essential for both of us. At times we work on these adult Lego sets and do them a little bit daily, which seems very connecting. Sometimes we’ll have a date night and go out for a non-alcoholic drink and a meal. We embrace and discuss futures down the road, which is a way to show affection. I experience great joy from cooking for other people, and I feel very content like an post-intimacy feeling.

Her identity has broadened the idea of what our relationship means. It is similar to constraining the tools at your disposal to use – you must find new ways using available means. It challenges you to consider in different ways. But it did not lessen the affection that I experience for my partner whatsoever.